I said I wasn’t going to post again til Friday, but surprise! Here I am. Twice in the same day.  Actually you probably aren’t surprised if you are familiar with the pattern of lies I have established with regard to my posts on here….

In response to a conversation I just had with a friend about careless comments, I thought I would post on something that came up in conversation with my best friend yesterday. She just moved in with her boyfriend (also a friend, I set them up, just call me Cupid) and since he’ll be around a lot (as in ALL THE TIME) now, she figured she would let him in on the fact that I have HCV. Can’t say I was totally surprised about that, and I’m not really upset, but in her haste to assure me that he doesn’t think of me any differently, she said “He doesn’t judge you at all, he was joking about it like he does with everything.”

Me: “Oh yeah, what did he say?”

Her: “he said,’ well, if I’d known that (about the HCV) I would’ve tried to set her up with Adam (his brother) A LOT sooner.”

Me: “implying that he wanted to purposely infect his brother?”

Her (laughing): “Yeah.”

Sooo. People are hurtful. They don’t intend to be, and it doesn’t mean they love you any less. They just don’t understand. There will be the moments like that one above, and I’m sure if my friend or her man knew that I was hurt by that, they would be horrified. Hey, I can see the humor there, yes, and I think it is actually healthy to be able to joke about it, but that particular type of joke made in my absence just reinforces the lurking feeling that I am a walking biohazard.

Some of my worst moments of depression during this journey came soon after I was diagnosed. I was afraid that no one would ever want to be with me again. Ever.

As it turned out, my boyfriend was supportive and loving about it, but our relationship had been waning since before my diagnosis. I knew that if I was really being honest with myself, I needed to break things off with him. It was awful. I cared very much for him as a person, but I didn’t have the energy to maintain our relationship and I knew we probably weren’t going to work out long term. At the same time I was almost crushed by the fear that if I left him, I would never find that kind of acceptance again. I would have to have “the conversation” with every potential partner. If a man were to break up with me, I would have to wonder if it was really because we weren’t right for each other, or if it was the disease that sent him running….

I sucked it up. I broke up with him. We are still friends, but it is hard.  My dating life hasn’t slowed down any. My nightmare didn’t come true, but that fear will probably always be there.

My only advice on this is, look that fear in the face. Stare it down, play chicken with it. You might not get the outcome you wanted, but trust me, you will always win.

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