Today I had a panic attack, which completely surprised me since I was just fine last night, and I don’t usually get panic attacks. It went something like this:

1.) Received nasty message implying that I am a rude young person, from a guy I thought was ok with me but apparently isn’t.

2.) Was asked by a coworker about the cause of diabetes (she knows I am going into nursing), because said coworker didn’t want to support finding a cure for diabetes because “People bring it on themselves by getting fat.”

!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Which set off a train of thought somewhat like this:

If the sender of that message really doesn’t like me when I thought he did, how many other people secretly can’t stand me? If my coworker is so ignorant about diabetes, she sure as hell better not find out about my Hep C! Her head would probably pop off. How many people like her are out there, hiding their nasty judgmental thoughts under smiling faces? 

3.) Then I see some photos of myself. I am not photogenic. Which launches this:

Oh my god I look so white and scrawny. I look like a big white spider. Except spiders are graceful. In a creepy sort of way. If I look like a big white clumsy spider right now, how am I going to look once I get into treatment? My hair is going to fall out and I’m going to get even scrawnier, and I’m going to get so depressive that everyone will start avoiding me, and how the hell am I supposed to deal with that when I am in the middle of nursing school? I’ll probably flunk and then I’ll be out thousands of dollars. 

At this point my palms are sweating and my legs are twitching, and my friend notices something is up. After assuring me “You don’t look like a spider ever,” she slips me a xanax. God bless her for not laughing.

When I started this blog I promised myself I would be brutally honest about my experiences. This will result in descriptions of the kind of stupidity you just read about. Hopefully this will not become the norm.

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